Outlook
by thecarouselneverstopsturning
Summary: Set in 1995. This is based on the movie 'Home Alone' but in 'That 70's show' form. Please R&R. COMPLETE. Review please, I don't get any feedback or anything!
1. I- Meet the Kelsos

Hey! This is a Christmas themed story's even though it's July 1-3. It's like Home Alone but in That 70's show form. Everything explained in first chapter.

PART 1  
December 20, 1995  
POINT PLACE, WISCONSIN  
LUKE KELSO(12) is sitting at his desk in his ENGLISH CLASS on the final day of school. He couldn't wait to get home. His entire extended family was arriving to his house to prepare for their Christmas trip to (wherever you want it to be).  
Three boys, who are sitting in several desks around him, stare at him. Their names are EVERETT, JETHRO, and COLE. They're a few years older than him. Obviously bigger than him. The tense between them and their stares gives us a really bad feeling.  
BELL RINGS.  
Outside the school, Luke is walking alone towards the end of the school campus. He's got just a few feet from making it out. Suddenly he's pushed. The offenders are Everett, Jethro, and Cole. Luke is scared but use to this now. They do this to him on a daily basis.  
EVERETT: Hey, Smelso.  
JETHRO: How's your whore of a mom?  
LUKE: My mom is not a whore!  
COLE: Oh, right. Like your Mommy and Daddy got together because they fell in love, right?  
LUKE: They did.  
EVERETT: You're so stupid, Kooso. Everyone knows that your Dad knocked your Mom up and that your Grandpa forced them to get married. I bet they still sleep around like the whores they are. Face in, Lukie boy. You are a product of a pig and a slut!  
Luke has had enough. He begins pushing the boys. But this was his mistake. He's too small and weak for them. They begin grabbing and shoving him to the brick wall. He's helpless.  
Everett, the lead bully, raises his fist up. He's about to beat Luke. But before he can...SOMEBODY grabs him fist. Everett is pushed. All three bullies, who a moment ago looked tough and fearless, is frightened. There is a bully of the bullies. It's Luke's older brother CALEB KELSO (16). Much bigger than the bullies.  
CALEB: What have I told you about messing with my little brother?  
The bullies look at each other. Are they gonna let this guy mess with them? There's three of them. He's just one. They can take him, right? They try it out...and it's their mistake. Caleb pushes all three at the same time.  
The bullies look up to Caleb, who is looking down on them with a badass stare. I don't think even a grown up would wanna mess with the teenage Caleb with the stare he is giving them.  
EVERETT: Yo, dudes, let's get out of here.  
The other two won't argue with their leader on this one. They're not willing to get their asses handed. They get up and run away.  
Caleb offers Luke his hand and picks his little brother up.  
LUKE: Thanks, Caleb.  
CALEB: You're my little brother. It's my job to protect you. But…  
The older brother's tone becomes serious. He gives the younger boy a similar stare that he gave the bullies. Luke saw this coming. He's less afraid but still afraid. His brother can be unpredictable.  
CALEB: Only I can push you around. That's my other job. That's the real reason why I push them away. They're invading my personal job.  
To show Luke what he means, he smacks him in the back of his head. There. Preformed his other "personal job."  
LUKE: OW!  
Caleb laughs. Luke gives him a glare, which Caleb returns another. They stare at each other for a moment before smiling. We now have an understanding of their relationship. They hate each other but they love each other. It's Caleb's job to protect him. His reward is that he gets to push him around.  
They always pick on each other, get themselves in trouble, blame each other for stupid things the other did. It's just a normal average brother relationship.  
The brothers walk home together.  
At the KELSO RESIDENCE, we meet LAURIE KELSO (the mother) preparing dinner. Her husband MICHAEL KELSO (the father) is still being his childish self even as he's a mature adult. Kelso will never fully grow up. He's playing gameboy, ignoring his wife as she tries to speak to him.  
LAURIE: Michael, did you get the salad earlier like I asked?  
No response. Chances are he didn't even hear her.  
LAURIE: Michael?!  
Still no answer. He's still messing around on the gameboy. Laurie finally gets frustrated and smacks her husband in the back of the head...just like Caleb did to Luke. Now we understand where the boys gets their attitudes and actions from.  
KELSO: (snapped out of it) What?  
LAURIE: Did you get the salad like I asked?  
Kelso thinks for a moment. Then remembers. Not good.  
KELSO: Oh, crap.  
LAURIE: (Knew it) MICHAEL!  
KELSO: I'm sorry, Laurie. My mind has just been on this level I cannot beat. Why would they make a level so unbeatable and expect you to beat it if you can't beat it?  
Laurie gives him a glare. Wrong answer. She gives him "Do you wanna sleep on the couch tonight?" look. Kelso sees that he's in trouble. Holds his hands up like he's surrendering.  
KELSO: Okay, okay. I'll just go back and get the salad.  
Laurie smiles at her husband. Good boy. Kelso grabs the keys and exits the kitchen. As he heads for the front door, Caleb and Luke enter.  
KELSO: Hey, boys. What's up?  
CALEB: Same old shit, Dad.  
KELSO: (nervously) Come on, Caleb. What have I told you about swearing when you're mother's home? She can hear you know. She hears EVERYTHING!  
Out of nowhere, Laurie walks into the foyer.  
LAURIE: Oh, boys. Go with your father. Make sure he gets the salad. The right salad this time. Oh, and Caleb. I heard that. Watch that mouth of yours.  
Caleb gives his mother the same "OK, I surrender" look that his father gave her a moment ago. That's right. Laurie is the head of the house. Kelso wouldn't be able to keep this house in order without her.  
Laurie sees Luke. She can tell that he's been bullied again.  
LAURIE: (to Luke) What did they do this time?  
Luke knows that she's talking to him.  
LUKE: Called you a "whore" and pushed me to the wall.  
LAURIE: Caleb?  
CALEB: Took care of it.  
LAURIE: Good boy.  
KELSO: Alright, boys. Let's go to the store. Don't wanna keep your mom waiting on her salad.  
Kelso leads his boys out. Luke is the last to walk out of the door so he's the one who closes the door.  
Laurie stands there alone. She thinks about what Luke told her what the bullies said about her. We see it in her face that she's hurt. It's not that she's called a whore that hurts her anymore. It's that her past mistakes are now come back to haunt her kids. Her baby is being bullied for having a stupid father and a whorey mother.  
But that's not her anymore. The moment she learned that she was pregnant with her eldest daughter Jamie and when Kelso proposed to her, her days of whoring around ended. She's in love with Kelso. She's a faithful wife and devoted mother. Her husband and children come first.  
She smiles. Her husband maybe a child, Jamie may be a copy of Laurie's teenage days, Caleb maybe a troublemaker, and Luke maybe a wimp like her brother Eric. But they are her family and she wouldn't trade them for anything else in the world. She has two other kids. EMILY (5) and ADDISON (3). They're too young to compare them to the personalities of other people. They're still her little angels. Her relationship with the youngest two is the same relationship between her and Red as well as the relationship between Eric and Kitty.  
That night, the entire family arrives. We have the GRANDPARENTS RED and KITTY and their youngest adult child BRIANNA (26). We have STEVEN and JACKIE HYDE and their kids; BECKY (17), BROOKE (15), and LEIA (13). ERIC and DONNA FORMAN are here with their kids; AUSTIN (18), KYLE (16), GIANNI (15), and LORENZO (13). They're all settling in.


	2. II- All in the family

Part 2

Finally coming downstairs to join the family is JAMIE (19). She's just like Laurie from her teenage years. Extremely whorey. But more modern. That means her clothes are more racy, more skin, more distracting, and much more disturbing. She looks like she just came home from a porno shoot.  
Red sees her. Even though he's disturbed by her appearance, he tries to put on a brave face and keep peace in the family and treats his granddaughter the same way he treated Laurie when he was still blinded of her promiscuous ways.  
RED: JAMIE!  
JAMIE: (fake enthusiasm) PAPA!  
Jamie acts just like her mother did. Pretending to be an innocent little girl despite her obvious appearance. She's not fooling anyone though. But she doesn't know that. Red holds her and kisses her on the head.  
RED: How's my little angel doing?  
JAMIE: Um…(thinks)...I have a new boyfriend.  
RED: (fake smile) Really? How many is that this month?  
Jamie realizes Papa has caught on to her personal life.  
JAMIE: Uh…(tries to make it sound less bad)...four?  
RED: (fakes it) Okay.  
It's only Laurie who's willing to be tough on her over her actions. Laurie pulls her daughter to the side.  
LAURIE: What are you doing?  
JAMIE: Coming to spend time with the family. Like you asked me to.  
Red watches his daughter discipline his granddaughter. It takes him back when Laurie was just like that. Kitty would use to pull her aside and chew her out over her choice of clothing when there was company. It's same exact scene only it's another generation and more disturbing than the other.  
LAURIE: Look at what you're wearing. You look like you just came from a Princess Leia slave-bikini prono parody.  
JAMIE: All the girls are wearing these kinds of clothes today.  
LAURIE: Oh, do you see the other girls here wearing those clothes?  
Jamie looks at her female relatives. More specifically Brianna. Nope. No porno looking clothes.  
JAMIE: Uh, no?  
LAURIE: Exactly. Now you march up those stairs and you put on clothes that make you look like you're prepared to go to church.  
JAMIE: (upset) UGH! God, you're embarrassing me. I HATE YOU!  
Jamie literally marches up the stairs. Slamming her feet all the way up the stairs. Not hiding her anger towards her mother from the rest of the family.  
LAURIE: (Shouting as her daughter disappears up the stairs) I'm sorry you feel that way. Because I love you.  
This dialog between Laurie and Jamie reminds us so much of a similar dialog between a teenage Laurie and Kitty. In fact, it's very much the same.  
Luke is in his bedroom playing with his new talkboy that his Grandpa Red and Grandma Kitty gave him for an early Christmas present.  
LUKE: (into the talkboy) Testing. Testing. This is Luke Kelso, testing his new talkboy.  
Luke presses STOP and rewinds it. He presses PLAY.  
LUKE: (from talkboy) Testing. Testing. This is Luke Kelso, testing his new talkboy.  
LUKE: Cool. It works.  
Luke goes around the house recording people's conversations. He catches his father talking to himself like an idiot. In one instance, he records his sister in her bedroom talking to one of her many boyfriends.  
JAMIE: How dare she tell me what I can and can't wear. I can wear whatever I want. You know she was a whore when she was my age. She is the last person to tell me how to act. Hypocrite.  
Luke smiles. He got the whole thing on tape. Jamie is so busted.  
Luke continues recording around the house. He hears the shower going in the bathroom. Grandpa Red is singing to himself. Luke smiles. Perfect opportunity to record an embarrassing moment of Red.  
Luke quietly sneaks into the bathroom. Red is dancing in the shower.  
RED: (Singing) Well, this cat we're talking about, wonder who it could be. Cus I know...I'm the heaviest cat, the heaviest cat that you ever see. When you see me walking down the street...When the fellas want to speak...Hey, hey, hey...All the business they wish to whisper it. But they know I'm the King of the Cool Jerk!  
Luke nearly loses it. He snickers, trying not to laugh. But it doesn't work. Because Red hears it. Red peeks out of the curtain…  
RED: GET OUTTA HERE YOU NOSEY LITTLE PERVERT BEFORE I SLAP YOU SILLY!  
Luke bolts out and runs away from the bathroom.  
Later in the living room, the entire family is laughing so hard about something. That is because in the middle is Luke's talkboy playing Red's singing. They cannot help but busting their guts out over it. Red tries to act tough but he's clearly embarrassed about it.  
RED: Why did I get him that damn recorder.  
Kelso shakes Luke's head. Giving him the "That's my boy" attitude. Luke is continuing Kelso's old antics now. He's such a proud father.


	3. III- Mitch and Casey's plan

Part 3:  
It's night time. The entire house is full of people sleeping in several different rooms. In the third floor attic is Luke, Lorenzo, and Austin, who's job it is to make sure that his younger brother and younger cousin does not stay up late. Bob and Midge are sleeping in the living room with Eric and Donna.  
In Caleb and Luke's room is Caleb himself, Kyle, and Gianni. In Jamie's room is Jamie herself, Becky, Brooke, and Leia. Jamie doesn't like the fact that she has to share her bedroom with her younger cousins. Jamie looks around to make sure that nobody is awake to see her. She tries to open her bedroom window when - Brianna pulls her down to her bed.  
BRIANNA: Where do you think you're going?  
Brianna is a young female Red. Strict, conservative, and hard on her younger relatives like her father. Jamie knows that she's screwed and won't be going anywhere tonight. Brianna gives her the look that Jamie hates to see...the look that always forces Jamie to give up and obey her young but older-than-her Aunt. She knows she can't get past her. Jamie, surrendering, lays back on her bed.  
Red and Kitty are in the guest room with the two youngest; Emily and Addison. Emily is in Red's arms and Addison is in Kitty's arms. A similar picture of Laurie and Eric in their arms when they were their age.  
Laurie and Kelso are in their own bedroom. Laurie is still awake. Lost in thought. Kelso is snoring away. Not a single worry in the world to him. Laurie stares at him. How could he sleep soundly with all the concerns they have with a full house?  
LAURIE: (to herself) I just hope everything will be okay. Too many people here to take care of.  
Not far from the KELSO house is a van. Inside is Kelso's OLDER BROTHER CASEY KELSO, unaware that the house he's watching is his own brother's home. Sitting on the driver's seat is his partner in crime MITCH MILLER. A short-nasty Ginger. He's still the arrogant, cocky, jerk he was in the 70s.  
MITCH: Tomorrow we go undercover. We will pretend to be cops to find out when each and every single family leaves for their Christmas vacation. We'll know which house to hit.  
CASEY: Got it.  
Mitch notices that Casey is staring at the KELSO home. He smiles. Gonna ruin his partner's plans.  
MITCH: (pointing at the KELSO home) I'm gonna take that house.  
CASEY: Awww! I wanted to take that one.  
MITCH: Well, too bad, Casey. You've not reach to my level yet. You take all the smaller ones and I take the bigger ones. That's the rules.  
Casey gives in.  
CASEY: Fine.  
Despite how tough we've known Casey to be, when he's around the smaller but meaner Mitch, he's just like his little brother. Weak and stupid. Mitch's short height means nothing. He's obviously the eviler of the two bad guys.  
MITCH: Let's get some sleep. We got a busy day tomorrow.  
CASEY: Okay.  
They both recline their seats back and gets some sleep.


	4. IV- I hope we didn't forget anything

Part 4

The next night, the entire family is slow to continue packing. Luke is stalling because he has one little problem with packing; he doesn't know how to pack a suitcase. He's never had to pack one before nor was he ever taught how to by anyone.  
While the rest of the family is in a hurry to pack and prepare, Luke is writing a Christmas list to Santa. He's sitting at an old desk stored up in the attic.  
LUKE: (to himself as he writes) So I hope to get a new toothbrush that is very distinctive just for me. I'm tired of getting plain toothbrushes that looks the same and gets stolen by Caleb. Also I what I'd like for Christmas is to finally meet my Uncle Casey Kelso. I don't even know what he looks like. Sincerely Luke Kelso.  
Luke folds the letter up and puts it into the envelope he set aside. He writes his name and address. On the top-left corner, he writes to "Santa Clause The North Pole."  
His letter is prepared to be sent except for one last thing. The stamp. He looks around the desk and inside it's drawers. But no stamp.  
LUKE: Where are the stamps?  
He starts looking around the entire attic for the stamps. But nothing.  
Down at the front door, somebody is knocking on the door. Jamie opens the door and we find that the visitor is Mitch, who's impersonator a cop. Jamie snickers at the thought that this short guy is a cop. What criminal would run from this guy when they could just jump him?  
JAMIE: (trying to be seductive) What can I do for you, Officer?  
MITCH: I need to speak to the head of the house.  
JAMIE: Someone will be with you in a moment.  
MITCH: Ok.  
As Jamie walks upstairs, definitely not going to get her parents like a bitch, Mitch lets himself in.  
Luke comes downstairs. He sees the "policeman" and approaches him.  
LUKE: Do you have a stamp?  
MITCH: No, sonny, I don't. Do you know where your parents are?  
LUKE: No, sir, I don't.  
Luke just walks away before Mitch can say anything.  
MITCH: But…  
Mitch is ignored.  
Luke goes to the rec room and finds his Grandpa Red with Emily and Addison. Red is trying to set up the VCR to the TV. Red is having a hard time understanding the 1995 technology that is new to him.  
LUKE: Grandpa, do you have a stamp?  
RED: (frustrated) No! Luke, come help me. I can't get this VCR together.  
Luke takes over and connects the VCR to the TV like it was nothing. It makes Red look stupid considering how easy it was for Luke.  
LUKE: That was easy, Grandpa.  
RED: Yeah. Uh…thanks.  
Red puts on a movie and sits down with his two youngest grandchildren. Luke was going to say more but he's suddenly distracted by the movie his Grandpa is watching. It's an old black and white 20s-40s gangster movie. There's a lot of shooting involved.  
Red finally notices that Luke is watching.  
RED: Hit the road, Jack.  
LUKE: (doesn't understand the joke) My name is Luke.  
RED: Go away, Luke. You're not allowed to watch this movie.  
LUKE: Why not?  
RED: Because it's Rated R.  
Luke checks the movie cover. It's NOT RATED.  
LUKE: It's not rated.  
RED: Doesn't matter. It's got violence in it. Your mom doesn't want you watching this crap.  
LUKE: But why is Emily and Addison watching it then?  
RED: Because they're watching this under my supervision. Now run along.  
LUKE: But Grandpa…  
EMILY: Quiet, Luke. This is the best part.  
The younger two watch what is meant to be the most violent and most disturbing part of the movie.  
Luke pouts.  
LUKE: Fine. I'll just go ask Mom about it.  
Luke runs off.  
Mitch continues waiting on for someone to finally talk to him. That's when the entire Foyer-first floor gets wild. Everyone is walking all over the place. Mitch tries his damnedest to get someone's attention but they all act like he's not even there.  
The phone can be heard ringing.  
KELSO: Answer the phone!  
Laurie looks down from the stair railing.  
LAURIE: Where's my suitcase?  
KITTY: It's downstairs!  
Jamie comes running downstairs all pissed.  
JAMIE: Who stole my hairdryer?!  
Mitch continues to get ignored even as he shouts at each person who passes him.  
MITCH: Miss! Young lady! Excuse me. Girls!  
Addison runs by with a toy lightsaber. Mitch tries to get her attention.  
MITCH: Hey! Hey!  
Addison completely ignores him as she confronts her Uncle Eric on the stairs, who is also wielding a toy lightsaber. They challenge each other to a fight on the stairs. Neither wins as they go the opposite direction. (Addison goes up the stairs and Eric runs off downstairs).  
Kitty is within reach of Mitch. But she, too, is ignoring him. She's carrying pillows as she shouts to someone up the stairs.  
MITCH: Excuse me, Ma'am. Excuse me.  
KITTY: Help me make the beds in the living room. Come on down here!  
She completely ignores Mitch and walks away. Austin comes by.  
MITCH: (to Austin) Hey, son. Son!  
Austin walks off without acknowledging him. Mitch sees Caleb come running by.  
MITCH: Hey, big fella!  
Addison runs by one more time.  
MITCH: Hey, little girl. Little girl!  
Addison passes him without acknowledging him again. Mitch is completely alone. Ignored. He's frustrated.  
In the Master bedroom, Laurie is on the phone.  
LAURIE: My brother and his family is here. Oh, it's just crazy.  
LAURIE'S FRIEND: Trish is going to Montreal.  
LAURIE: Oh, her family's there.  
LAURIE'S FRIEND: Then we're off.  
LAURIE: When do you leave?  
LAURIE'S FRIEND: Oh, tomorrow.  
LAURIE: You're not ready, are you? (Luke enters)  
LUKE: Mom, Grandpa Red won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. Why can't I?  
LAURIE: Luke, I'm on the phone. (Back on the phone) When do you come back? Not 'til then?  
LUKE: It's not even rated R. He's just being a dumbass, and he let Emily & Addison watch it with him.  
LAURIE: Luke, if Grandpa Red says no, then it must be really bad. No, we put the cars in the- (Luke gets on the bed and starts reading a magazine) Hey hey hey, get off! Luke, out of the room.  
LUKE: Hang up the phone and make me, why don't ya?  
LAURIE: This kid. (Kelso enters)  
KELSO: Laurie, did you pick up a voltage adaptor thing?  
LAURIE: No, I didn't have time to do that.  
KELSO: Aww crap! Then how do I shave in France?  
LAURIE: Grow a goatee.  
LUKE: Dad, nobody'll let me do anything.  
KELSO: You don't have anything to do? I have something for you to do. You can pick up those MicroMachines that are all over in there. Grandma Kitty stepped on one of them and almost broke her neck.  
LAURIE: He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.  
KELSO: Didn't we talk about that?  
LUKE: Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I was making ornaments out of fish hooks.  
KELSO: My new fish hooks?  
LUKE: I can't make them out of old ones, with dry worm guts stuck on them.  
LAURIE: Michael...?  
KELSO: Come on, Luke. Out. (Kelso picks up Luke; enter Kitty)  
KITTY: Kelso, Laurie do you guys have a voltage adaptor?  
KELSO: Here! Here's a voltage adapter! (He gives Luke to Kitty)  
KITTY: Oh God, you're getting heavy! (Drops Luke) Go pack your suitcase.  
LUKE: (Stares at his grandmother in horror) Pack my suitcase?  
(CUT TO LEIA AND LORENZO DOWNSTAIRS)  
LEIA: Do you know where the shampoo is, Lorenzo?  
LORENZO: I don't live here.  
LEIA: I don't believe. in a house with this many people, there's no shampoo.  
MITCH: Are your folks home?  
LEILA: Yeah, but they don't live here. (Walks up the stairs while Becky walks down; Exit Leia) Becky, did you order the pizza?  
BECKY: Dad did.  
MITCH: Excuse me, Miss? Are your parents home?  
BECKY: My parents live in the other side of town, sorry. (Exit Becky, enter Brooke)  
MITCH: Hi!  
BROOKE: Hi!  
MITCH: Are your parents home?  
BROOKE: Yeah.  
MITCH: Do they live here?  
BROOKE: No. (Exit Brooke)  
MITCH: No. Why should they? All kids, no parents. Probably a fancy orphanage.  
(CUT TO CALEB AND LUKE UPSTAIRS)  
LUKE: I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done this once in my whole life.  
CALEB: Tough.  
LUKE: That's what Jamie said. (Enter Jamie)  
JAMIE: What did I say?  
CALEB: You told Luke "Tough."  
JAMIE: The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to say? "Congratulations, you're a dumbass"  
LUKE: I'm not a dumbass!  
JAMIE: Oh, really? You're completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you.  
CALEB: She's right, Lu.  
LUKE: Excuse me, puke-breath. I'm a lot smaller than you. I don't know how to pack a suitcase. (Enter Becky)  
BECKY: I hope you didn't just pack crap, Caleb.  
CALEB: Shut up, Becky.  
LUKE: Do you know what I should pack? (Enter Brianna)  
KYLE: My dad told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water. (Exit Kyle)  
BRIANNA: Listen, Luke, what are you so worried about? You know your Mom's gonna pack your stuff, anyway; I know my sister. You're what the French call "les incompetents"  
LUKE: What?  
(CUT TO GIANNI AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS)  
GIANNI: Bombs away! (Gianni throws bag that lands right at Mitch's feet.)  
(CUT TO BRIANNA AND LUKE)  
BRIANNA: P.S.: You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with LORENZO. If he has something to drink, he's going to wet the bed. (Exit Brianna)  
LUKE: This house is so full of people. It makes me sick! When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone! Did you hear me? I'm living alone! I'm living alone!  
(CUT TO CALEB'S ROOM)  
AUSTIN: Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?  
CALEB: He just ate a load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple of weeks. Is it true French babes don't shave their pits?  
AUSTIN: Some don't.  
CALEB: But they got nude beaches.  
AUSTIN: Not in the winter. (Enter Luke)  
LUKE: Caleb?  
CALEB: Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?  
LUKE: Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep in the hide-a-bed with Lorenzo. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.  
CALEB: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass. (Caleb looks out the window) Check it out; Old man White. (Austin, Luke, and Caleb watch Old Man White outside Caleb's window)  
AUSTIN: Who's he?  
CALEB: You ever heard of the Point Place Shovel Slayer?  
AUSTIN: No.  
CALEB: That's him. Back in '58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on his block... with a snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.  
AUSTIN: If he's the shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?  
CALEB: Not enough evidence to convict. They never found the bodies. But everyone around here knows he did it. It'll just be a matter of time, before he does it again.  
AUSTIN: What's he doing now?  
CALEB: He walks up and down the street every night, salting the sidewalks.  
AUSTIN: Maybe he's just trying to be nice.  
CALEB: No way. You see that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims.

AUSTIN: Wow.  
LUKE: Mummies! (Old Man White looks up)  
CALEB: Look out! (Caleb closes the drapes)  
(CUT TO PIZZA BOY DRIVING TO KELSO HOUSE; HITS STATUE; PIZZA BOY PICKS IT UP)  
(CUT TO KELSO HOUSE: MITCH, LEIA, AND LORENZO)  
MITCH: How you kids doing, huh? Good? Lot of action around here today, huh? Going on vacation? Where you going? You hear me, or what? Going on a trip? Where you going, kid?  
PIZZA BOY: Okay, that's $122.50.  
MITCH: Not from me, kid. I don't live here.  
PIZZA BOY: Oh, you just around for the holidays?  
MITCH: I guess you could say that.  
ERIC: Hey, pizza's here!  
PIZZA BOY: There you go. That's $122.50.  
ERIC: It's my sister's house. She'll take care of it. (All kids go into the kitchen)  
MITCH: Hey, listen... (Enter Kelso)  
KELSO: Hey.  
MITCH: Hi. Are you Mr. Kelso?  
KELSO: Yeah.  
MITCH: The Mr. Kelso who lives here?  
KELSO: Yes.  
PIZZA BOY: Good, because somebody owes me $122.50.  
MITCH: I'd like a word with you, sir.  
KELSO: Am I under arrest or something?  
MITCH: No, no, no, no. It's Christmas time. There's always a lot of burglaries around the holidays. So we're just checking the neighborhood to see if everyone's taking the proper precautions; that's all.  
KELSO: Oh, yeah. Well we have automatic timers for our lights, locks for our doors. That's about as well as anybody can do these days, right? Did you get some eggnog or something like that? (Enter Caleb)  
CALEB: Come on, Dad. Let's eat. (Exit Caleb and Kelso)  
MITCH: Eggnog? (Enter Luke) Listen, are you going to be leaving...?  
LUKE: Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!  
(CUT TO KITCHEN)  
MIDGE: Grab yourself a napkin, and you're going to have to pour your own drinks.  
ADDISON: Mom, does Santa Claus have to go through customs?  
LORENZO: What time do we have to go to bed?  
ERIC: Early. We're leaving the house at 8 a.m. On the button.  
LAURIE: I hope you're all drinking milk. I want to get rid of it.  
KELSO: Honey, the pizza boy needs $122.50, plus tip.  
LAURIE: For pizza?  
KELSO: 10 pizzas times 12 bucks.  
JACKIE: Steven, you've got money! Come on...  
HYDE: Traveler's checks.  
LAURIE: Forget it, Hyde. We have cash.  
KELSO: You probably got the checks that don't work in France.  
LUKE: Did anyone order me a plain cheese?  
CALEB: Oh, yeah, we did. But if you want any, somebody's gonna have to barf it up, because it's gone.  
KITTY: Emily! Go easy on the Pepsi.  
CALEB: Lu! Lu, get a plate. (Caleb chokes on the cheese; Luke pushes him into the table and Caleb barfs)  
KELSO: Passports! (Kelso spills Pepsi as Caleb puts Luke in a headlock)  
RED: Watch it! (Red's chair is pulled out and hits Addison; people start to clean up kitchen table quickly)  
KELSO: No, no. Get these passports out of here. (Kelso throws away a bunch of napkins, along with Luke's airline ticket; Kitty picks Addison up)  
KITTY: Are you okay, honey? Come here. Are you all right? (Laurie grabs Luke's hand)  
LAURIE: Look, stop stop! What the hell is wrong with you?  
LUKE: Caleb started it! He ate my pizza on purpose. He knows I hate sausage and olives...  
RED: Look what you did, you little jerk!  
LAURIE: Luke, get upstairs right now.  
LUKE: Why?  
ERIC: Luke, you're such a disease. (Donna slapped his arm dissaprovingly)  
LUKE: Shut up, Uncle Eric!  
KELSO: Luke, upstairs!  
LAURIE: Say good night, Luke.  
LUKE: "Good night, Luke." (Exit Laurie & Luke, and Laurie takes Luke out of the room by his arm. The family is heard mumbling)  
(CUT TO DOWNSTAIRS WHERE LUKE AND LAURIE MEET PIZZA BOY)  
LUKE: Why do I always get treated like scum?  
LAURIE: Oh, I'm sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around and my family drove in from the other side of town yesterday. It's just nuts. (hands Pizza Boy money)  
LUKE: How come you didn't bring more cheese pizzas?  
PIZZA BOY: Nice tip. Thanks a lot. (Exit Pizza Boy, enter Mitch)  
LAURIE: Thanks.  
MITCH: Having a reunion or something?  
LAURIE: Oh no. My brother's wife won tickets to Paris. (Mitch smiles at Luke, showing his gold tooth) We are going to Paris for the holidays, so we can sight see around Paris.  
MITCH: You're taking a trip to Paris?  
LAURIE: Yes. We hope to leave tomorrow morning.  
MITCH: Excellent. Excellent.  
LAURIE: If you'll excuse me, this one's a little out of sorts. I'll be right back. (Laurie and Luke go upstairs)  
MITCH: Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. And don't worry about your home. It's in good hands. (Exit Mitch)  
(CUT TO UPSTAIRS)  
LAURIE: There are 24 people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble.  
LUKE: I'm the only one getting dumped on.  
LAURIE: You're the only one acting up. Now get upstairs!  
LUKE: I am upstairs, bitch! (Laurie opens the door to the third floor) The third floor?  
LAURIE: Go.  
LUKE: It's scary up there.  
LAURIE: Don't be silly. Lorenzo will be up in a little while.  
LUKE: I don't want to sleep with Lorenzo. You know about him: he wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it.  
LAURIE: [Disgusted] Fine, we'll put him somewhere else.  
LUKE: I'm sorry.  
LAURIE: It's too late. Get upstairs. (Luke walks up stairs and stops)  
LUKE: Everyone in this family hates me.  
LAURIE: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.  
LUKE: I don't want a new family. I don't want any family. Families suck!  
LAURIE: Just stay up there! I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.  
LUKE: I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.  
LAURIE: [Softly] I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.  
LUKE: No, I wouldn't.  
LAURIE: Then say it again. Maybe it'll happen.  
LUKE: I hope I never see any of you dumbasses again. (Luke walks upstairs, Laurie closes the door)  
(CUT TO THE THIRD FLOOR)  
LUKE (VOICE IN HEAD): I wish they would all just disappear.  
(CUT TO OUTSIDE WHERE THE BRANCH FALLS ON A TELEPHONE WIRE; THERE IS NO MORE ELECTRICITY IN THE HOUSE AND THE ALARM CLOCK DOESN'T GO OFF)  
(CUT TO FRONT OF KELSO HOUSE; VAN DRIVER KNOCKS ON THE DOOR WHILE ANOTHER VAN DRIVER PICKS UP THE STATUE)  
VAN DRIVER #1: Where are they?  
VAN DRIVER #2: I don't know. She said 8 sharp.  
(CUT TO KELSO AND LAURIE'S BEDROOM)  
LAURIE: MICHAEL! (They both get out of bed quickly)  
KELSO & LAURIE: We slept in! (Everyone gets up and starts getting ready and loading up the van; Paul walks up to the vans)  
PAUL: Hi, I'm Paul Kania. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Warshaw, Poland. Well, first we're going to New York to pick up my brother from college. You know the Kelsos are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good mileage?  
VAN DRIVER: Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road!  
(CUT TO KELSO HOUSE)  
LAURIE: Jamie, do a head count. Make sure everyone's in the vans. Where are the passports and tickets?  
KELSO: I put them in the microwave to dry off.  
(CUT TO THE VAN)  
PAUL: How fast does this thing go? Does it have automatic transmission? Does it have 4-wheel drive?  
VAN DRIVER: Look, I told you before, kid: don't bother me. Now, fuck off! (Paul stays in the back of the van; All the kids go outside)  
JAMIE: Line up in front of the van. Come on guys, line up and shut up! (Paul opens up Midge's bag, then opens up Donna's bag)  
PAUL: Wow!  
JAMIE: Shut up! I need a head count. 1-2-3-4...  
CALEB: [rudely interrupting] 11, 92, 12...  
JAMIE: [Pissed off] Caleb, don't be a dumbass. 6-7-8-9-10-14. Okay, half in this van, half in this van. Let's go. (Paul gets out of the van while the kids get in)  
PAUL: Have a good trip. Bring me back something French. (Exit Paul; enter The adults)  
RED: There's no way we'll make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes!  
BOB: Think positive, Red!  
RED: You be positive, Bob. I'll be realistic. (Adults get in the van)  
ELECTRICAL WORKER: Ma'am. Excuse me. I just wanted to let you know that your power is fixed, but the phone lines are a mess. It's going to take around a couple of days to patch them up, especially around the holidays.  
LAURIE: Okay, thanks. (Laurie closes the van as her wedding ring glistens in the light of the sun) Jamie, did you count heads?  
JAMIE: 24, including me. 7 boys, 7 girls, 8 parents, 2 drivers... and a partridge in a pear tree.  
(CUT: VANS DRIVE OFF, EVERYBODY RUSH TO THE TERMINAL)  
KELSO: Hold the plane!  
LAURIE: Did we miss the flight?  
AIRPORT GATE AGENT: No, you just made it. (The Kelsos, Formans, Gang, and Pinciottis cheer) Single seats only in coach. Take whatever's free.  
(CUT TO THE AIRPLANE)  
KELSO: Kids are in coach, we're first class.  
LAURIE: Seats 4-A and B.  
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: 4-A and B. I'll take your coats. Fasten your seat belts, please.  
HYDE: Champagne, please. It's free, isn't it?  
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh, yes.  
KELSO: We made it.  
LAURIE: Do you believe it? I hope we didn't forget anything.  
TBC! Please R&R!


	5. V- I'm a horrible mother

Luke opens the door from the attic third floor. He peeks out the door. There is nobody around. He goes into the bathroom.

Meanwhile, the AIRPLANE is leaving Wisconsin to FRANCE.

Back at the Kelso's, Luke leaves the bathroom after flushing the toilet. He goes down the stairs. He's still unaware that he's home alone.

Luke enters the kitchen. It's completely empty. He thinks perhaps that he's just the very first person to have gotten up. He walks to a small TV and turns it on. It's HOME ALONE. It's at the scene where Kevin is riding down the stairs from his sled.

Luke sits on a stool and watches. He realizes something doesn't seem right about the time of the day and the fact that there is nobody around. Yeah...where is everyone?

Luke gets up from the stool and turns off the TV. He turns around to face the rest of the house in it's entirety.

LUKE: MOM!

The AIRPLANE is flying in the sky. On it's way to France.

Inside FIRST CLASS we see several passengers having their breakfast. Hyde and Jackie are eating their breakfast. Jackie has just found a crystal and is just checking it out.

JACKIE: Oh, my God, Steven...this crystal is real.

HYDE: (doesn't care) So?

JACKIE: (gasps) We should steal it...you know how much money we can make off of this?

Hyde turns to his wife. Thinks for a moment. Then realizes…

HYDE: Put in your purse!

JACKIE: Yeah!

Jackie puts the crystal in her purse. Behind them is Laurie and Kelso. Kelso is eating while Laurie is putting makeup on.

LAURIE: Don't you feel like a heel flying first class with the kids back in coach?

KELSO: No, the kids are fine. The only flying I ever did was in the Vista Cruiser but it wasn't to France. We use to have to go to Red and Kitty's house.

Laurie chuckles.

KELSO: The kids are okay. They're having the time of their lives.

LAURIE: Yeah.

Back at the KELSO's, Luke is looks up the stairs from the foyer.

LUKE: SOMEBODY?! ANYBODY?! I'M STARVING?!

Luke is in the kitchen and opens the refrigerator. There are several things to have but one little problem…

LUKE: I don't know the food groups.

Sometime later, Luke is entering his parents' bedroom.

LUKE: Hello? Mom? Dad? Mom? Dad? Where are you guys?

Luke enters Caleb's bedroom. Caleb's tarantula is startled by Luke's entrance.

LUKE: Caleb? Caleb? CA-LEB?!

Luke is going down to the basement.

LUKE: Jamie? Hello? Hello? Austin? Uncle Eric? Uncle Eric, is this a joke? Brooke? Leia? Is this a joke?

Luke looks around the basement. There is nobody around. There is only stuff stored in the basement including Laurie's old mannequins for clothes.

Suddenly he notices that the furnace is starting up. He startled. The furnace has always scared him.

LUKE: It's only my imagination. It's only my imagination.

The furnace roars at Luke. He's so freaked out that he runs back upstairs. Once he's gone, the furnace shuts down.

Luke runs out of the house and runs through the yard to the garage. He sees the two station wagons inside the garage.

LUKE: Their cars are still here. They didn't go to the airport.

He gasps. He runs back to the house.

Luke enters the kitchen and sits on a stool. He thinks for a moment until he realizes something.

LUKE: I made my family disappear.

He remembers everything that was said to him.

JAMIE: Luke, you're completely helpless.

BRIANNA: No, Luke, you're what the French call "Les incompetent."

CALEB: Luke, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.

ERIC: Luke, you are such a disease!

LAURIE: There are 24 people in this house and you're the only one that has to make trouble.

RED: Look what you did you little jerk.

Luke looks up at us and smiles.

LUKE: I made my family disappear.

Luke celebrates his new found freedom by jumping on his parents' bed. He's eating popcorn as he's jumping on the bed. He jumps and allows himself to drop onto the bed.

Sometime later, Luke is running around in the entire house.

LUKE: Free! I'm free! Free! Free! Free! Ya! Whoo-hoo!

Luke runs upstairs and runs in front of us. He cheerful screams happily before running into Caleb's bedroom.

Luke opens a chest case and finds a bunch of cool stuff.

LUKE: Wow!

Luke reads a dirty magazine from Caleb's chest case. He's disgusted by the nudity. He throws the magazine behind him.

LUKE: No clothes on anyone. Sickening.

He finds a packet of firecrackers.

LUKE: Cool. Firecrackers. I'll save these for later. (Shouts out loud) CALEB! I'M GOING THROUGH YOUR PRIVATE STUFF! YOU BETTER COME DOWN AND POUND ME!

He picks up a framed picture. He reacts with the bad look on his face. It's a picture of Caleb's girlfriend and she is ugly.

LUKE: Caleb, your girlfriend. Woof!

Luke slams the frame picture back into the chest case and the glass shatters.

Luke looks up and finds Caleb's BB gun hung up on his wall. Luke smiles. He has an idea.

Sometime later, in the kitchen, Luke is setting up Caleb's Sports figurines on the edge of the laundry chute. He goes to the counter at a particular distance and pumps the gun up.

He aims at the figurines and begins to shoot each one down the chute.

That afternoon, Luke puts in the same black and white gangster movie that Grandpa Red was watching earlier.

He sits down on a recliner chair and is eating large scoops of ice cream as he's watching the movie.

In the movie, Snakes knocks at Johnny's office door.

JOHNNY: Who is it?

SNAKES: It's me, Snakes. I got the stuff.

JOHNNY: Well put it on the doorstep and get the fuck out of here.

SNAKES: Alright, Johnny. But what about my money?

JOHNNY: What money?

SNAKES: Acey said you had some dough for me.

JOHNNY: Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?

SNAKES: Acey says ten percent.

JOHNNY: Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more.

SNAKES: What do you mean?

JOHNNY: He's upstairs taking a bath. He'll call you when he gets out.

Snakes begins to worry.

JOHNNY: Hey. I'll tell you what I'll give you Snakes. I'm going to give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead.

SNAKES: Alright, Johnny. I'm sorry. I'm going.

Snakes attempts to leave but Johnny doesn't give him the chance.

JOHNNY: One, two, TEN!

Johnny open fires on Snakes. Johnny laughs like a sadistic Madman as he continues to gun down Snakes.

Luke, frightened, covers his eyes with his hands.

Snakes dies.

JOHNNY: Keep the change you filthy animal.

Luke pauses the movie.

LUKE: MOM!

It's night time over the Atlantic. In the plane, Laurie, who was sleeping on Kelso's shoulder, suddenly wakes up as if she had heard Luke call for her.

Laurie grabs her purse and takes out her little book. She looks through it to make sure if she remembered to do everything before leaving.

Kelso sees the concern look on his wife's face.

KELSO: What's the matter, honey?

LAURIE: I have a terrible feeling.

KELSO: About what?

LAURIE: That we didn't do something.

KELSO: Nah, you're just feeling that way because we left in such a hurry. We took care of everything. I believe we did.

LAURIE: Did I turn off the coffee?

KELSO: No. I did.

LAURIE: Did you lock up?

KELSO: Yeah.

LAURIE: Did you close the garage?

Kelso thinks for a moment. Then remembers.

KELSO: That's it. I forgot to close the garage. That's it.

Kelso shrugs. This is no big deal. Laurie sits back in her seat and thinks for a moment.

LAURIE: No, that's not it.

Kelso is confused.

KELSO: Well, what else could we be forgetting?

Laurie thinks for a moment. Then it hits her.

LAURIE: LUKE!

Back at the Kelso's, where it's still daylight out, Luke is setting up his sled to go down the stairs. After aiming it right, Luke gets on the sled and prepares to go sliding down the stairs.

He uses his body to push the sled down and it goes sliding down the stairs.

LUKE: Whoa!

The sled slides down the stairs, across the foyer floor, and out the door.

At the sled slides out the door, Luke and his sled flies off the porch stairs and lands into the snow.

Upon landing, Luke falls off of his sled and onto the snow. Luke gets up and shakes his body, getting the snow off of him.

Meanwhile on the plane, a stewardess gives Kelso a drink.

STEWARDESS: The Captain is doing all he can. Your phones are still out of order.

We see that Jackie is consoling Laurie while Hyde is still at his seat but looking behind him to Kelso and Laurie.

JACKIE: We'll call as soon as we land. I'm sure that he's ok.

HYDE: It's horrible. Horrible. Just horrible.

LAURIE: How could we do this? We forgot him.

KELSO: We didn't forget him. We just miscounted him.

Laurie begins to cry.

LAURIE: What kind of a mother am I?

HYDE: If it makes you feel any better... I forgot my special stash.

Laurie, Kelso, and Jackie give Hyde a glare. Like forgetting your special stash is worse than forgetting your child?

(CUT TO THE STREET; MITCH AND CASEY ARE IN THEIR VAN)

MITCH: 5 families gone on one block alone. They all told me from their own mouths.

CASEY: It's almost too easy.

MITCH: Check it out. All the houses with nobody home have automatic timers on their lights. But I got it all figured out. Watch this. Number 664 will be going on right about... now. (Lights come on) Wait, wait, wait... number 672, right now. (Lights come on) Wait a minute, wait a minute. 671... now. (Lights come on) And that's the one, Casey. And that's the silver tuna.

CASEY: It's very G.

MITCH: Very G, huh? It's loaded. It's got lots of top-flight goods. Stereos, VCRs...

CASEY: Toys?

MITCH: Probably looking at some very fine jewelry, possible cash horde, odd marketable securities... Who knows? It's a gem. Grab your crowbar. (Each of them grab a crowbar) Crowbars up. (They clink crowbars)

(CUT TO KELSO HOUSE; "THE GRINCH" IS ON TV; LUKE IS ASLEEP)

TV: You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch. You're the king Of sinful sots. Your heart's a dead tomato, blotched with moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch.

(CUT TO MITCH AND CASEY'S VAN DRIVING UP TO LUKE'S HOUSE; LUKE WAKES UP AND SEES THEM AS THEY'RE TRYING TO SNEAK IN)

CASEY: Which way?

MITCH: We'll go around back, down the basement. Come on, follow me. (Casey tries to break in with his crowbar; Luke goes to the basement turning on all the lights)

CASEY: I thought you said they were gone.

MITCH: They were supposed to leave this morning.

CASEY: Let's get out of here. (Exit Mitch and Casey)

(CUT TO LUKE UNDER A BED; PLANE LANDING IN PARIS; EVERYBODY RUSHES TO A PAYPHONE; a WOMAN IS ON THE PHONE)

LAURIE: Miss, we have to use the phone, please. I'm sorry, it's an emergency. We really have to make a call.

EMILY: Please! Our brother's home alone. Laurie takes the phone away from her)

JAMIE: Just give us the phone!

LAURIE: Thank you. I'm sorry, but thank you. (Exit woman) Michael, I'm going to call the police. Why don't you book us a flight home? (Laurie gives her purse to Jamie) Here, get some change out of here. Call everybody you know. (Laurie gets her address book out of her purse) Oh, Brianna ... here's my address book. You and Jamie call everybody that's on our street. Maybe somebody can help us. (gets on the phone, hearing a man speaking in French) What am I doing? Oh, hello? Hello? Oh, she'll have to call you back.

KELSO: (picking up Addison) Come on, boys.

(CUT TO KELSO HOUSE)

LUKE: This is ridiculous. Only a wimp would be hiding under a bed. And I can't be a wimp. I'm the man of the house.

(CUT TO OUTSIDE)

LUKE: Hey, I'm not afraid anymore! I said, I'm not afraid anymore! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid anymore. (Enter Old Man White; Luke sees him standing right in front of him with his shovel and his can of salt; Luke screams and runs back in the house, runs upstairs frantically and hides under the sheets of the bed)

(CUT TO VILLAGE POLICE DEPARTMENT; TELEPHONE RINGS)

ROSE: Village Police Department.

LAURIE: Yeah, hi, look. I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone. Our phones there are out of order so I'd like somebody to go over to our house, tell him that we're coming home to get him.

ROSE: Okay, let me connect you with the Family Crisis Intervention.

LAURIE: No, this is not a family crisis.

ROSE: Hold on. (Female operator knocks on Larry's window) Larry, can you pick up? There's some lady on hold, sounds kind of hyper.

LARRY: What line, Rose?

ROSE: Two. (Larry picks up the phone)

LARRY: Family Crisis Intervention, Sergeant Balzac. (Larry takes a bite out of his doughnut)

LAURIE: I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone.

LARRY: Has the child been involved in a violent altercation with a drunk, injured, or mentally ill member of his immediate family?

LAURIE: No!

LARRY: Has he been involved in a household accident?

LAURIE: I don't know. I d- I hope not.

LARRY: (Takes another bite out of his doughnut) Has the child ingested any poison and/or any other object lodged in his throat?

LAURIE: No! He's just home alone! And I'd like somebody to go over to the house to see if he's all right. Just to check on him.

LARRY: You want us to go to your house, just to check on him?

LAURIE: Yes!

LARRY: Let me connect you to the Police Department.

LAURIE: No, they just transferred me to you.

LARRY: Rose!

ROSE: Yeah?

LARRY: Hyper on 2. Hold on, please. (Larry puts Laurie on hold and hangs up)

LAURIE: No, please don't hang up. Please! Any luck?

JAMIE: No. We couldn't get anybody. (Enter Donna, Jackie, Brooke, Becky, and Leia)

LAURIE: Donna?

DONNA: Sorry, Laurie. Nothing but a bunch of answering machines. (Laurie gets back on the phone)

LAURIE: Somebody pick up. Pick up!

ROSE: Oh, hi, ma'am. It's you again.

LAURIE: Yeah hi, look, I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone, and I...

ROSE: Okay, okay, we'll send a policeman over to your house to check on your son.

(CUT TO POLICEMAN DRIVING TO THE HOUSE; KNOCKING ON THE DOOR SEVERAL TIMES; LUKE CONTINUES TO HIDE UNDER THE COVERS)

OFFICER 1: (Officer is on his walkie talkie) There's no one home. The house looks secure. Tell them to count their kids again.

OFFICER 2: 10-4.

(CUT TO KELSO AT AIRPORT DESK)

KELSO: (Holding Addison and all the adults & kids are sitting in the seats) I can't believe you can't bump somebody or ask somebody...

AGENT: I'm sorry, but there's no way I can do that.

KELSO: Well, isn't there a way like if you ask somebody? I mean, if you brought somebody up here and explained to them that this is an emergency...

AGENT: I wish I could, but I cannot ask someone... (Enter Laurie)

LAURIE: They're sending a policeman over to the house to check on Luke.

KELSO: Well, that's a relief. Everything here is booked.

LAURIE: There's nothing to Point Place?

KELSO: There's nothing to Point Place, Kenosha, New York City, Nashville, Las Vegas, you name it. Everything's gone.

LAURIE: What about a private plane?

AGENT: No, I'm sorry. We don't do that.

KELSO: The only thing is a booking for all of us on Friday morning.

LAURIE: Friday morn- That's two days away.

KELSO: Look, honey. The kids are exhausted. You are exhausted. There's absolutely nothing more that we can do at this airport. Now I say we go over to the hotel, and that way we can call the police again. And they can get back to us.

LAURIE: Michael, Luke is there all by himself. I'm not leaving here unless it's on an airplane.

AGENT: Madame, we are doing everything we can. Now, if you want to stay at the airport, maybe we can get you on standby. It is a possibility that a seat will open up.

KELSO: Is that okay? (He hands Addison to Jackie)

LAURIE: Yes. I'll wait.

(CUT TO KELSO AND LAURIE SAYING GOODBYE TO EACH OTHER. 'PLEASE COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS' STARTS TO PLAY)

LAURIE: Bye. I'll miss you, honey. (Kelso and Laurie hug)

KELSO: Don't you get lost. (He kissed her and she waves goodbye to everybody)

(CUT TO THE KELSO HOUSE; LUKE IS GROOMING HIMSELF)

LUKE: I took a shower, washing every body part with natural soap, including all my major crevices between my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used creme rinse. I can't find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up today. Other than that, I'm in good shape. (Luke puts on aftershave and screams out of agony)

(CUT TO CALEB'S ROOM; LUKE LOOKS AT THE TOP OF CALEB'S SHELF AND FINDS CALEB'S LIFE SAVINGS; AS HE CLIMBS, ONE OF THE SHELVES BREAKS AND EVERYTHING FALLS DOWN)

LUKE: All right! Caleb's life savings. (CALEB'S TARANTULA COMES OUT OF THE CAGE)

(CUT TO LUKE WALKING OUT OF THE HOUSE; HE FINDS MITCH AND CASEY'S VAN OUTSIDE THE KANIA HOUSE)

LUKE: I thought the Kanias went to Florida. (Luke shrugs and continues walking)

(CUT TO THE KANIA HOUSE; MITCH IS PLAYING WITH A REMOTE CONTROL CAR; CASEY PUTS SOME EXPENSIVE GOODS IN A BAG WITH HIS CROWBAR, CREATING A MESS IN THE PROCESS)

MITCH: You know you're one of the great cat burglars of the world, Casey? You think you can keep it down a little in there? (Phone rings)

MR KANIA: (On the voicemail) Hi, you've reached the Kania's. Please leave a message after you hear the beep.

KELSO: Hey, this is Michael Kelso again. We're in Paris at our hotel room. Let me give you the number here, okay. The country code is 3-3. The area code is 1-4 and the number is 694-876...

CASEY: Hey, Mitch.

MITCH: Yeah?

CASEY: That house we were at last night, was that the Kelso's?

MITCH: Yeah.

CASEY: You're right. They're gone.

MITCH: I knew they were.

CASEY: Silver tuna tonight. (Mitch looks an expensive toy, seeing all kinds of shapes and colors when you flip turn the knobs)

MITCH: Wow!

(CUT TO A STORE; LUKE STEPS UP TO THE COUNTER AND MEETS A CASHIER)

CASHIER: How may I help you?

LUKE: Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? (Luke hands her the toothbrush)

CASHIER: Well, I don't know. (Cashier looks at the back of it) It doesn't say, hon.

LUKE: Can you please find out?

CASHIER: Herb.

HERB: Yeah?

CASHIER: I've got a question here about a toothbrush. (Enter Old Man White) Do you know, is this brush approved by the American Dental Association?

HERB: I don't know. (Old Man White slams his hand on the counter; Luke locks eyes with Old Man White, he walks backwards with the toothbrush heading out the door)

CASHIER: Oh, hon, you pay for that here. Wait, son, you have to pay for that toothbrush. Son! Son! (Luke rushes out of the store) Hey! Jimmy, stop that boy! (Jimmy runs out)

(CUT TO OUTSIDE WHERE LUKE CONTINUES TO RUN)

JIMMY: Hey! Hey! (Jimmy spots a police officer, who is writing up someone a ticket nearby) Shoplifter!

(CUT TO POLICE OFFICER CHASING AFTER LUKE; LUKE SLIDES INTO AN ICE RINK WHERE HE'S ON HIS KNEES MAKING HIS WAY THROUGH A BUNCH OF SKATERS, INCLUDING GOING THROUGH SOMEONE'S LEGS; POLICE OFFICER SLIPS AND GETS TANGLED WITH ONE OF THE SKATERS AND FALLS DOWN)

(CUT TO LUKE WALKING BACK HOME, LOOKING AT THE TOOTHBRUSH)

LUKE I'm a criminal.

(CUT TO CASEY PUTTING RAGS IN THE SINK'S DRAINS AND TURNING ON THE FAUCET FULL BLAST; HE WALKS OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH A BULGING BAG AND VCR, LOADS THEM INTO THE VAN LAUGHING)

MITCH: What's so funny? What's so funny? What are you laughing at? You did it again, didn't you? You left the water running, didn't you? What's wrong with you? Why do you do that? I told you not to do it.

CASEY: Mitch, It's our calling card!

MITCH: Calling card?

CASEY: All the great ones leave their mark. We're the wet bandits.

MITCH: You're sick, you know? You're really sick.

CASEY: I'm sick...?

MITCH: Yes, you are.

CASEY: I'm not sick.

MITCH: It's a sick thing to do!

(CUT TO MITCH AND CASEY DRIVING; LUKE IS WALKING WITH HIS HEAD DOWN)

MITCH: We don't need that ca-

CASEY: Don't tell me what to do. I can do it if I want to. It's not sick. Hey, watch out! (Luke freezes in the middle of the road; Mitch slams on the brakes; Luke screams; Mitch rolls down his window as Luke continues to walk fast)

MiTCH: Hey! Hey! You've gotta watch for traffic, you know...?

LUKE: Sorry.

MITCH: Damn.

CASEY: Santy don't visit the funeral homes, buddy. (Luke nods)

MITCH: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas. (Mitch smiles, showing his gold tooth; Luke gasps and walks off slowly)

CASEY: What's the matter?

MITCH: I don't like the way that kid looked at me. Did you see that?

LUKE: You ever seen him before?

MITCH: I saw a hundred kids this week.

CASEY: Let's see what house he goes into. (Mitch follows Luke slowly; Luke looks back to find Mitch and Casey whistling and looking away from him; Luke starts running; Mitch and Casey continue to follow him) Why's he going faster?

MITCH: I told you something's wrong. See, I knew he looked at me weird. Why would he run? (Luke disguises himself right outside the church)

CASEY: Maybe he went in the church.

MITCH: I'm not going in there.

CASEY: Me neither.

MITCH: Let's get out of here. (Luke gets out of his disguise and starts to run home)

LUKE: When those guys come back, I'll be ready.

(CUT TO THE KELSO HOUSE; MITCH AND CASEY PULL IN TO THE FRONT OF HIS HOUSE; CASEY ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW)

CASEY: Did they come back?

MITCH: From Paris?

(CUT TO THE INSIDE OF THE KELSO HOUSE, WHERE LUKE DANCING WHILE MOVING A BUNCH OF MANNEQUINS AND CARDBOARD CUTOUTS)

MITCH: We'll come back tomorrow. Maybe they'll be gone by then. We better get out of here before somebody sees us. (Exit Mitch and Casey; Luke looks out the window smiling)

(CUT TO THE HOTEL ROOM; EVERYBODY IS WATCHING A SHOW IN FRENCH; ENTER ERIC WITH A PLATTER OF SHRIMP IN HIS HANDS)

ERIC: Attencion! Attencion! Look what I found in the kitchen.

KITTY: Eric, those are for later. Eric? (Eric ignores Kitty and hands out shrimp to kids)

ERIC: Mes petits enfants, do you want a little shrimp, huh?

ADDISON: I didn't get one.

ERIC: (to Lorenzo) Hey, punk. Sit on the floor.

LORENZO: Fine, Dad.

(Lorenzo gets off the couch and Eric sits next to Jamie & Emily: with the shrimp platter still in his hands)

(CUT TO KELSO ON THE PHONE IN ANOTHER ROOM)

KELSO: Do you speak English? Parlez Anglais? (Playing with his wedding ring) Well, is there...

RED: Did you get anybody?

KELSO: (Speaking in French) I am looking for my son! Do you know where he is?! (Kelso talking to Red and Bob) No, I can't find anybody. They're all shopping. Nobody's home for the holidays. (Back on the phone) Never mind, forget it. Dammit!

(CUT TO THE HOTEL LIVING ROOM)

JAMIE: This is so pointless. (Moving more to the end of the couch, as Emily scooted over to the middle and Hyde sat next to them)

CALEB: What? (Opening up the map)

JAMIE: We're here rotting in this hotel room. Luke's at home. Mom's at the airport.

CALEB: So?

JAMIE: You're not at all worried about Luke?

CALEB: Why should I be? He's acted like a dumbass one too many times and this time he caught it in the ass.

JAMIE: He's so little and helpless. Don't you think he's flipped out?

CALEB: The little dumbass can use a couple of days in the real world.

JAMIE: You're not at all worried something might happen to him?

CALEB: No. For three reasons: A. I'm not that lucky, 2: We have smoke detectors, and D: we live in the most boring street in the United States of American, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period. (Shoving shrimp into his mouth)

(CUT TO KELSO HOUSE; PIZZA BOY HITS THE STATUE AGAIN; PIZZA BOY PICKS UP THE STATUE; PIZZA BOY ARRIVES TO THE FRONT DOOR WHERE HE READS A SIGN STATING, "BACK DOOR PLEASE"; PIZZA BOY ARRIVES AT THE BACK DOOR AND KNOCKS ON THE DOOR)

JOHNNY: Who is it?

PIZZA BOY: It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza.

JOHNNY: Leave it on the doorstep and get the fuck out of here.

PIZZA BOY: Okay. But what about the money?

JOHNNY: What money?

PIZZA BOY: Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir.

JOHNNY: Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?

PIZZA BOY: That'll be $11.80, sir. (Luke sneaks $12 from the bottom of the door)

JOHNNY: Keep the change, you filthy animal.

PIZZA BOY: Cheapskate.

JOHNNY: Hey. I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yellow no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. 1, 2, 10. (Gunshot soundbytes and Johnny laughing scare the Pizza Boy; Pizza Boy crashes into garbage cans and runs away frantically and drives off; Luke opens the door, picks up the pizza and smells it)

LUKE: A lovely cheese pizza, just for me. (Luke closes the door)

(CUT TO PARIS AIRPORT; IRENE AND LAURIE ARE TALKING)

LAURIE: So we have the $500, the pocket translator, the two first-class seats; that's an upgrade from your coach...

IRENE: Is that a real Rolex?

LAURIE: Do you think it is?

IRENE: No.

LAURIE: But who can tell? I also have a ring.

IRENE: Oh, that is beautiful!

ED: Come on, Irene. They're boarding.

IRENE: This gal has offered us two first-class tickets if we go Friday, plus a ring, a watch, a pocket translator, $500 and...

LAURIE: The earrings. You love the earrings

ED: She's got her own earrings. A whole shoebox full of them. Dangly ones. Come on.

IRENE: No, but... (They are about to leave)

LAURIE: I'm desperate. I'm begging you. From a mother to a mother. Please!

IRENE: Oh, Ed.

LAURIE: Please!

ED: Oh, all right.

(CUT TO PLANE LANDING TO DALLAS)

(CUT TO THE HOTEL ROOM IN PARIS AT NIGHT. CAMERA PANS OVER TO ALL THE KIDS & ADULTS SLEEPING PEACEFULLY)

(CUT TO KELSO HOUSE; LUKE IS IN KELSO AND LAURIE's BEDROOM WATCHING THE JOHNNY CARSON SHOW WATCHING TV)

JOHNNY CARSON: "Dear Santa, I got a little sister last year. This year I'd rather have some Clay-Doh." (Luke looks at a family portrait that was taken right before Addison was born in 1992)

LUKE: I didn't mean it. If you come back, I'll never be a pain in the ass again. I promise. Good night. (Luke kisses the portrait and puts it under his pillow)

(CUT TO LUKE MOUTHING THE WORDS TO "I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS" WHILE GROOMING HIMSELF AGAIN)

LUKE: "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. Just like the ones I used to know Where those treetops glisten. And children listen. To hear sleigh bells in the snow. The snow"

(Luke puts on the aftershave, and screams in agony... again)

(CUT TO LUKE IN A GROCERY STORE, BUYING GROCERIES, LUKE ARRIVES AT THE COUNTER AND MEETS KELLY; KELLY STARTS SCANNING ITEMS)

LUKE: Are those microwave dinners good?

KELLY: I don't know.

LUKE: I'll give them a whirl. (Kelly holds up G.I JOE action figures) For the kids. (Kelly scans an orange juice) Hold on, I got a coupon for that. (Luke hands Kelly the coupon) It was in the paper this morning.

KELLY: $19.83.

LUKE: Okay. (Luke reaches in his pocket and gives her money)

KELLY: Are you here all by yourself?

LUKE: Ma'am, I'm 12 years old. You think I'd be here alone? I don't think so.

KELLY: Where's your mom?

LUKE: My mom's in the car.

KELLY: Where's your father?

LUKE: He's at work.

KELLY: What about your brothers and your sisters?

LUKE: I'm an only child.

KELLY: Where do you live?

LUKE: I can't tell you that.

KELLY: Why not?

LUKE: Because you're a stranger.

(CUT TO LUKE WALKING HOME WITH GROCERIES; THE BAGS RIP AND EVERYTHING FALLS OUT)

(CUT TO THE BASEMENT; LUKE DOES LAUNDRY; THE FURNACE MAKES NOISE)

LUKE: Shut up! (The furnace turns off)

(CUT TO MITCH AND CASEY'S VAN OUTSIDE THE HOUSE)

MITCH: I don't get it. Right now, it looks like there's nobody home. Last night the place was jumping. Something ain't right. Go check it out. (Long pause while Mitch waits for Casey to check it out)

CASEY: Now?

MITCH: No, tomorrow, egghead! Now! Go ahead. (Exit Casey) "Now."

(CUT TO CASEY GOING TO THE BACK DOOR OF THE KELSO HOUSE; HE KICKS THE OPENING OF THE DOOR AND LOSES HIS SHOE; LUKE RECOGNIZES THIS WHILE DOING DISHES)

CASEY: Shit! (Casey picks up his shoe from inside the house; Luke plays "Angels with Filthy Souls")

JOHNNY: Get the fuck out of here.

SNAKES: All right, Johnny. But what about my money? (Casey listens closely) Acey Said you had some dough for me.

JOHNNY: Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?

SNAKES: Acey Said ten percent.

JOHNNY: Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more.

SNAKES: What do you mean? (Luke takes a pot from the kitchen and puts it near the door opening)

JOHNNY: He's upstairs, taking a bath. He'll call you when he gets out. Hey, I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. (Luke takes firecrackers and a torch)

MARV: Snakes?

JOHNNY: I'm going to give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no-good mother fucking keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead.

SNAKES: All right, Johnny. I'm sorry. I'm going.

JOHNNY: 1, 2, 10. (Gunshot soundbytes and firecrackers scare CASEY; Like Pizza Boy: jumps over the garbage cans, ducks, then frantically runs to the van; Luke mouths off the next words) Keep the change, you filthy animal.

(CUT TO MITCH AND CASEY's VAN; ENTER CASEY)

MITCH: What happened?

CASEY: I don't know who, but somebody just got blown away.

MITCH: Huh?

CASEY: Somebody beat us to the job, they're in there. 2 of them. There was arguing. One blew the other one away.

MITCH: Who?

CASEY: I don't know. I thought I recognized one of their voices. And I know I heard that name "Snakes" before.

MITCH: Snakes? Snakes. Snakes. I don't know no Snakes.

CASEY: Snakes! Let's get out of here. (Mitch is about to start the car)

MITCH: Hold it. Hold it. Let's wait and see who it is. We work this neighborhood, too. Supposing the cops finger us for a job, and they start asking us questions about a murder in the area. Wouldn't it be nice to have a face to go with their questions?

CASEY: That's a good idea.

MITCH: Of course it's a good idea. Snakes!

CASEY: He sounded like a snake.

(CUT TO THE HOTEL ROOM IN PARIS AT NIGHT. EMILY COMES INTO THE LIVING ROOM TO FIND KELSO SITTING ON THE COUCH IN THE DARK)

EMILY: Dad?

KELSO: Hi, what are you doing up. Sweetheart?

EMILY: Have you heard from Luke?

KELSO: No, you wanna sit down?

EMILY: Where's Mom?

KELSO: I think she met off with some Perusian guy.

EMILY: Daddy!

KELSO: No. She just went to Scranton to get home to Luke.

EMILY: Mhmm. She won't be here for Christmas, and Luke won't be here. It wouldn't be like Christmas.

KELSO: Well we'll just pospone Christmas, a day.

EMILY: I think that's a bad idea.

KELSO: We don't have much of a choice, Sweetheart.

EMILY: Family shouldn't be apart on Christmas, no matter how mean they are to each other. Us here, them there. It's stupid, Dad! Christmas isn't about Paris.

KELSO: Well, what is Christmas about then?

EMILY: Christmas is about family and being together.

KELSO: Atta girl!

(They hug)

(CUT TO PLANE LANDING IN SCRANTON AIRPORT)

AGENT: Everything's full.

LAURIE: Everything's full?

AGENT: I'm very sorry, but it is Christmas Eve.

LAURIE: What about another airline?

AGENT: Nothing available. May I help you get a hotel room in the city? Tomorrow afternoon, we can get you a flight to Wisconsin.

LAURIE: I can't wait that long.

AGENT: I'm terribly sorry, ma'am, but we're doing absolutely everything we can. (Signals the next person in line to come to the counter)

LAURIE: Go ahead. Wait, I'm sorry. Excuse me. You've got places to go, people to see. You've got a ticket there. That's good. Excuse me. Look, I have been awake for almost 60 hours.I'm tired and I'm dirty. I have been from Point Place to Paris, to Dallas, to... Where the hell am I?

AGENT: Scranton.

LAURIE: I am trying to get home to my 12-year-old son. And now that I'm this close, you're telling me it's hopeless?

AGENT: I'm sorry.

LAURIE: No. No, no, no, no way. This is Christmas! The season of perpetual hope.

AGENT: Ma'am if...

LAURIE: And I don't care if I have to get on your runway and hitchhike. If it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the Devil himself, I am going to get home to my son.

AGENT: Ma'am, if there was anything at all I could do...

LAURIE: Do it. Do anything.

AGENT: I can get you a hotel room... (Enter Gus)

LAURIE: What?!

GUS: Excuse me. Can you excuse us for a second please? Can I see you for a second, please? Excuse us. I couldn't help but hear you got a little bit of a dilemma there. We got a crisis ourselves. (Gus laughs) Allow me to introduce myself. Gus Polinski. How are you? Polka King of the Midwest? The Kenosha Kickers? (The Kenosha Kickers wave hello) That's okay. I thought you might have recognized- anyways. I had a few hits a few years ago. That's why I thought- "Polka, Polka, Polka"? (Gus sings) Polka, polka, polka. (Gus stops singing) No? "Twin Legs Polka" "Yamahoozie Polka," a.k.a. "Kiss Me Polka"? "Polka Twist"?

LAURIE: These are songs?

GUS: Yeah. Yeah, we... Some fairly big hits for us. You know, in the early '70s. Yeah, we sold about 623 copies of that.

LAURIE: In Point Place?

GUS: No, New Lisbon. Very big in New Lisbon. They love us-

LAURIE: I'm sorry, did you say you could help me?

GUS: Anyway, I'm rambling on here. Our flight was canceled, so we got to drive. See the guy in the yellow jacket over there? He's going to rent us a nice big van and we're going to drive to Milwaukee. Now, I heard you had some problems getting to Point Place? To see your kid or something?

LAURIE: My son. He- We left, and he's there.

GUS: Oh, jeez. If you have to get to Wisconsin, we'll gladly drive you. It's on the way to Deroit.

LAURIE: You'd give me a ride?

GUS: Sure we would, why not? You know, you've got to get home to see your kid.

LAURIE: A ride to Point Place?

GUS: Sure, you know, it's Christmastime.

LAURIE: Thank you. Oh, thank you.

GUS: If you don't mind going with polka bums?

LAURIE: No, I'd love to.

TO BE CONTINUED. REVIEW PLEASE!


	6. VI- He went shopping?

Authors Note: Alright people, this is the final chapter.

Mitch and Casey are asleep in their van in the backyard of the Kelso house. Luke comes out of his house through the backdoor. He's dragging a ladder outside with him while holding a saw in his hands.

Mitch is awoken by the sounds of something being sawed. He looks up to find Luke sawing off a tree. He recognizes the kid from the other night.

MITCH: Hey, Casey. Casey

Casey wakes up.

CASEY: (sleepy) What?

MITCH: Look at this.

Casey turns to Luke, who has successfully sawed off the tree.

MITCH: I think we're getting scammed by a kindergartener.

Mitch laughs while Casey smiles.

Later, Luke is putting up ordainments on the tree. He moves to the back of the tree, which has his own back facing the window. As he's putting ordainments on, we see Mitch peek into the window. He watches the kid decorating his tree. Luke is hooking up an ordainment when he sees Mitch through the reflection of the ordainment. Realizing that Mitch doesn't know that he sees him, he decides to act like he doesn't see him.

LUKE: Dad! Can you here and help me?

Mitch turns away from the window to talk to Casey.

MITCH: Remember that kid we saw the other day? (Casey nods yes) He lives here.

CASEY: Well if the kid's there then the parents ought to be.

Mitch shakes his head.

MITCH: He's home alone.

Casey is surprised and amazed. Mitch signals for them to leave.

Luke sees them walk away through the reflection of the ordainments. He runs off to figure out where they're going.

Mitch and Casey walk through the snowy backyard.

CASEY: You gotta be kidding. You wanna come back tonight?

MITCH: Uh-huh.

CASEY: Even with the kid here?

MITCH: Uh-huh.

CASEY: I don't think that's a good idea, Mitch.

Mitch, irritated, turns around and gives Casey a talking.

MITCH: Look, that house is the only reason why we're started working in this block in the first place. Ever since I laid my eyes on that house, I wanted it.

Luke is in the basement. He finds a window and listens to their conversation.

MITCH: Let's take this one step at a time, okay? We'll go unload the van. We'll get a bite to each and come back here about 9 o'clock.

LUKE: (whispers to himself) 9 o'clock.

MITCH: This way it's dark then.

CASEY: Yeah. Kids are scared of the dark.

MITCH: You're afraid of the dark, too, Casey. You know you are.

Casey is offended.

CASEY: No, I'm not.

MITCH: Yes, you are.

CASEY: Not! Not! Not!

MITCH: You are so…

Luke is frightened at the thought of these two coming back tonight.

LUKE: Mom, where are you?

Luke closes the window door sadly.

On the snowy road, we find the large truck carrying Gus, Laurie, and the Polka band. Inside they're having fun playing Christmas songs with their instruments.

Gus offers Laurie his clarinet. But she shakes her head no.

GUS: Come on, try it.

LAURIE: No.

GUS: (laughs) Ok.

Gus continues playing.

It's nighttime, Luke is approaching a "SANTA'S WORKSHOP" that is being closed by a cute teenage ELF GIRL (18).

LUKE: Excuse me.

ELF GIRL: Yeah?

Luke notices her Elf shoes.

LUKE: Hey, nice shoes.

ELF GIRL: Oh, thanks.

LUKE: Is he still here? It's very important that I see him.

ELF GIRL: (points to the road) He's getting into his car. I guess if you hurry you can catch him.

Luke runs across the street where we find the MALL SANTA cursing about his parking ticket.

MALL SANTA: Damn. How low can you go to give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?

LUKE: Santa, hold on!

Santa, seeing Luke approaching him, throws away his cigarette and waves the smoke away to avoid him smelling it.

LUKE: Can I talk to you for a minute?

MALL SANTA: If you can make it quick. Santa's got a Christmas get together he's late for.

LUKE: Okay. I know you're not the real Santa Claus.

MALL SANTA: What makes you think that? Just out of curiosity.

The Santa realizes that his fake bear is down and puts it up.

LUKE: I'm old enough to know how this works. I also know that you work for him. I'd like you to give him a message.

MALL SANTA: Shoot.

LUKE: I'm Luke Kelso. 671 Lincoln Boulevard. Do you know need the phone number?

MALL SANTA: Nah, that's okay.

LUKE: Okay. This is extremely important. Would you please tell him that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. Nothing but Michael, Laurie, Jamie, Caleb, Emily, Addison, my Aunts and Uncles and Cousins, as well as my Grandma Kitty. And if he has time my Grandpa Red. Okay?

The Mall Santa is confused by all of this but goes with it.

MALL SANTA: Okay. I'll see what I can do.

LUKE: Thanks.

Luke goes to leave but Santa stops him.

MALL SANTA: Hold on a sec. My Elf took the last of her candy cane home to her boyfriend.

He reaches in his pocket for something.

LUKE: That's okay.

MALL SANTA: No, no. Don't be silly. Everyone who sees Santa has to have a little something. Here we go. Hold out your little paw.

Luke holds out his hand and the Santa pours out a few tic-tacs.

MALL SANTA: There we go. Don't spoil your dinner.

LUKE: I won't. Thanks.

Luke walks off. The Santa gets in his car. He starts and begins to drive off when it dies on him. Santa gets pissed.

MALL SANTA: (pounds on dashboard) Son of a...

Luke walks through a neighborhood all alone. He's feeling sad. He hears noises and turns to a house. The house is currently having a Christmas party. Luke watches as the family interacts with each other. We see new mothers showing off their new babies. Grandkids are hugging their Grandparents. Kids are given presents. It hits Luke hard. He's missing his own family. And it hurts to see another family together while he's out here alone.

Luke walks away nearly in tears.

Luke finds his way to the Church that he was hiding from Mitch and Casey the other day. He hears the choir singing "O'Holy Night." He stares at the Church for a moment before he decides to walk inside.

Luke walks in and walks through the long walkway of aisles of seats. He listens to the choir as he looks at each statue. Some of Jesus looking down at his children, one of him holding kids, and one of Mary holding Baby Jesus. It gives us a sense that Jesus was a caring and loving man. Luke senses that Jesus is watching him in his time of loneliness and need.

Luke takes a seat near the front of the choice. As he settles himself, he senses that another person is sitting on the opposite side of the aisle. He turns to find OLD MAN WHITE. He gasps when he sees the old man. White looks around him and realizes that Luke is all alone. White gets up from his seat and approaches a frightened Luke.

Luke sees his short life passing through his eyes as the scary old man approaches him. This is it, he's thinking. He's going to be murdered by the Point Place Shovel Slayer when…

WHITE: (smiles) Merry Christmas.

Luke is confused. Is he being nice or is this a trick?

WHITE: May I sit down?

Luke, uncertain, hesitantly nods yes. White takes a seat next to Luke. Suddenly we begin to have a different view on him. His creepiness is going away.

WHITE: That's my Granddaughter over there. The redheaded girl.

We see WHITE'S REDHEAD GRANDDAUGHTER. A little cutie who watches her Grandpa watching her. Making him very proud.

WHITE: She's about your age. Do you know her?

LUKE: No.

WHITE: You live next to me, don't you?

LUKE: Yeah.

WHITE: You can say hello when you see me. You don't have to be afraid. There's a lot going around about me but none of it is true. Okay?

Luke nods. And we finally see it. White is NOT the Point Place Shovel Slayer. He's a nice lonely old man.

WHITE: Been a good boy this year?

LUKE: I think so.

WHITE: Do you swear to it?

Luke thinks for a moment before shaking his head.

LUKE: No.

WHITE: Had a feeling. Well this is the place to be when you're feeling bad about youself.

LUKE: It is?

WHITE: I think so.

LUKE: You feeling bad about yourself?

WHITE: No.

LUKE: I been kind of a pain lately. I said some things I shouldn't have. I really haven't been too good this year.

WHITE: Yeah.

LUKE: I'm kind of upset about it because I really like my family even though sometimes I say I don't. And sometimes I even think I don't. Do you get that?

WHITE: I think so. How you feel about your family is a complicated thing.

LUKE: Especially with an older brother.

WHITE: Deep down you'll always love them. Even though you can forget that you love them. And you can hurt them and they can hurt you. And that's not just because you're young. Wanna know the real reason that I'm here right now?

LUKE: Sure.

WHITE: I came here to see my Granddaughter sing. I cannot come here tonight.

LUKE: You have plans?

WHITE: No. I'm not welcomed.

LUKE: At Church?

WHITE: Oh, you're always welcomed to Church. I'm not welcomed with my son.

Luke is confused by this.

WHITE: Years back...before you and your family moved into the block...I had an argument with my son.

LUKE: How old is he?

WHITE: Oh, he's grown up. We lost our tempers. I said that I didn't care to see him anymore. He said the same. And we haven't spoken to each other since.

LUKE: If you miss him, why don't you call him?

WHITE: I'm afraid if I call him he won't call talk to me.

LUKE: How do you know?

WHITE: I don't know. I'm just afraid he won't.

LUKE: No offense but aren't you a little old to be afraid?

WHITE: You can be a little old but many things. But you're never too old to be afraid.

LUKE: That's true. I've always been afraid of our basement. It's dark, there's weird stuff down there, and it's smelly, and that sorta thing. It's been bothering me for all these years.

WHITE: Well, basements are like that.

LUKE: Then I made myself go down there to do some laundry and I found out that it's not so bad. All those times I've been worried about it. But if you turn on the light, it's no big deal.

WHITE: What's your point?

LUKE: My point is you should call your son.

WHITE: What if he won't talk to me?

LUKE: At least you'll know. Then you could stop worrying about it and you won't be afraid anymore. I don't care how mad I was, I'd talk to my dad. Especially around the holidays.

White shows somore fear in the thought. We finally realize the good nature of the man.

WHITE: I don't know.

LUKE: Give it a shot. For your granddaughter anyways. I'm sure she misses you and the presents.

WHITE: I sent her a check.

LUKE: I wish my grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year they got me a sweater with a Big Bird knitted on it.

WHITE: Oh, that's nice.

LUKE: Not for a guy in the 7th grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that.

WHITE: Oh?

LUKE: Yeah. I got a friend who got nailed because there were rumors that he wore Dinosaur pajamas.

WHITE: You better get home where you belong. You think about what I said. Okay?

LUKE: Okay.

WHITE: Nice talking to you.

LUKE: Nice talking to you.

They shake hands and we see that White has a bandaid on his hand.

Luke gets up.

LUKE: What about you?

WHITE: Me?

LUKE: Yeah, you and your son.

WHITE: We'll see what happens. Merry Christmas.

LUKE: Merry Christmas.

White turns to the Choir and Luke walks off. Luke hears the CLOCK BELL. It's almost 9. Luke runs off.

(CUT TO KELSO HOUSE; LUKE GOES IN AND LOCKS THE DOOR)

LUKE: This is my house. I have to defend it.

(LUKE LAYS OUT A BIG "BATTLE PLAN"; LUKE LAYS OUT LITTLE TOY CARS ON THE FLOOR; LUKE SPILLS WATER ON THE STAIRS; LUKE GRABS A SOLDERING IRON OFF THE GRILL AS THE TARANTULA CONTINUES TO CRAWL AROUND; LUKE HANGS SOLDERING IRON ON THE FRONT DOOR'S KNOB; LUKE WATERS THE STEPS THAT LEAD TO THE BASEMENT WITH A HOSE; LUKE PUTS TAR ON THE BASEMENT STEPS; KEVIN ATTACHES A NAIL; LUKE HAS A ROPE ATTACHED TO HIM AS HE CLIMBS A LADDER TO HIS TREEHOUSE; LUKE TIES THE ROPE TO THE TREEHOUSE; LUKE GLUES PLASTIC FOOD WRAP; LUKE ADJUSTS A TABLE FULL OF PILLOW FEATHERS AND A FAN; LUKE PLACES CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENTS ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO THE WINDOW; LUKE TAKES 2 PAINT CANS AND LEAVES A BALL OF YARN, AS THE TARANTULA CONTINUES TO CRAWL AROUND; LUKE TURNS ON THE CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS; LUKE TAKES OUT HIS MACARONI AND CHEESE OUT OF THE MICROWAVE)

(CUT TO MITCH AND CASEY DRIVING UP TO THE KELSO HOUSE)

MITCH: Okay, we'll check it out first. We can always come back for the truck. (Mitch and Casey get out of the truck)

CASEY: How do you want to go in?

MITCH: We'll go to the back door. Maybe he'll let us in. You never know.

CASEY: Yeah, he's a kid. Kids are stupid.

(CUT TO THE KELSO HOUSE; LUKE BOWS HIS HEAD AS HE PRAYS)

LUKE: Bless this highly nutritious, microwaveable macaroni and cheese dinner, and the people who sold it on sale. Amen. (The clock strikes 9:00; Luke blows out the candles; Luke grabs Caleb's beebee gun; Luke loads the gun)

LUKE: (VO) This is it. Don't get scared now. (Luke stands back, as Mitch and Casey enter the back door; Mitch knocks on the door)

MITCH: Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.

CASEY: Yeah, come on, kid. Open up. It's Santy Claus and his elf.

MITCH: We're not gonna hurt you. (The beebee gun comes out of the door opening)

CASEY: No, no. Got some nice presents for you.

MITCH: Be a good little fella now and open the door. (Luke shoots Mitch's crotch; Mitch screams in agony)

CASEY: What? (Mitch continues to scream) What? What? (Mitch looks at Casey) What? What happened?

MITCH: Get that little... (Casey goes to the door; puts his head in the door opening)

LUKE: Hello. (Luke shoots Casey in the forehead; Casey screams in agony) Yes! Yes!

CASEY: The little jerk is armed!

MITCH: That's it! That's it! I'm going in the front. You go down the basement! (Exit Casey and Mitch)

(CUT TO THE FRONT; CASEY SLIPS ON THE FIRST STEP)

(CUT TO THE BASEMENT; CASEY SLIPS AND FALLS DOWN THE STAIRS)

CASEY: Ow! (Casey picks himself up using his crowbar to the window; Casey slips again and the crowbar falls on his head)

(CUT TO THE FRONT; MITCH GRABS ONTO THE RAILING; MITCH SLIPS AND FALLS BACKWARDS AFTER GETTING UP THE STEPS)

(CUT TO THE BASEMENT; CASEY TRIES TO UNLOCK THE DOOR WITH HS CROWBAR; CASEY OPENS THE DOOR TO A DARK BASEMENT; MARV SLAMS THE DOOR; CASEY FINDS A SWITCH AND PULLS IT, WHICH RELEASES AN IRON AND HITS HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS FACE)

(CUT TO THE FRONT)  
MITCH: Oh, boy. That's it, you little... You little... No, not this time, you little brat. Where are you, you little creep? Where are you? (Mitch puts his hands on a heated doorknob; Mitch screams in agony, falls down and crawls down the stairs and puts his ice in the snow; Mitch takes his hand out of the snow)

LUKE: Yes! Yes, yes yes yes yes! Yes! Yes, yes yes yes yes!

(CUT TO THE BASEMENT; CASEY TAKES OFF HIS SHOES AND SOCKS, GOING UP THE STAIRS ON WHICH LUKE PAINTED TAR; CASEY. STEPS ON THE NAIL, AND FALLS ON THE BASEMENT FLOOR)

(CUT TO MITCH GOING TO THE BACK DOOR AGAIN)

MITCH: I'm going to rip his head off! (Mitch kicks the door opening to make sure the gun isn't there anymore; he spits on his hand and touches it quickly to make sure it isn't hot.) You're dead, kid. (Mitch opens the door, which pulls a string and turns on a blowtorch on the top cupboard, lighting Mitch's head is now on fire; Mitch screams in agony and eventually sticks his head in the snow)

(CUT TO CASEY GRABBING HIS CROWBAR AND HEADING OUT THE BASEMENT DOOR BAREFOOT; CASEY SLIPS AND FALLS AS SOON AS HE WALKS OUT)

(CUT TO MITCH TOUCHING HIS SIZZLING HEAD; MITCH CHARGES THE DOOR AND BREAKS IT DOWN; THE BLOWTORCH FALLS TO THE GROUND)

MITCH: Where are you, you little creep?!

(CUT TO OUTSIDE; CASEY IS CRAWLING UP THE STAIRS AND FINDS A WINDOW)

CASEY: Mitch, I'm coming in!

(CUT TO INSIDE OF THE HOUSE; MITCH IS TRYING TO FIND LUKE AND HEARS HIM IN ONE OF THE ROOMS)

LUKE: Oh, no! I'm really scared.

MITCH: It's too late for you, kid, we're in the house. We're gonna getcha.

LUKE: Okay, come and get me! (Luke flips a notch of the fan and runs away)

MITCH: Why, you... (Mitch walks into a glued plastic wrap) Now you're dead! (Mitch walks into a string that turns on the fan that blows feathers into his face)

(CUT TO CASEY ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM THE WINDOW; HE STEPS ON HOOD ORNAMENTS; CASEY SCREAMS IN AGONY)

CASEY: I'm gonna kill that kid! (Mitch is trying to get the feathers off his face; Casey continues to limp through the living room)

MITCH: Casey!

CASEY: Mitch?

MITCH: Why the hell did you take your shoes off?

CASEY: Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?

LUKE: (from upstairs) I'm up here, you dumbasses. Come and get me. (Casey and Mitch slip on a bunch of toy cars at the front of the stairs) You guys give up, or are you thirsty for more? (Mitch steps on Casey as he walks up the stairs; Casey quickly follows him; Luke throws a paint can that's connected by a string on the railing)

MITCH: Heads up!

CASEY: Huh? (The paint can hits Casey in the face; Casey falls off the stairs and to the ground; Mitch turns to Casey)

MITCH: Don't worry, Casey. I'll get him for you. (Casey tries to warn Mitch, Mitch turns around; a second paint can hits Mitch and he falls on Casey)

LUKE: Yes! (Luke jumps over a piece of rope)

CASEY: He's only a kid, Mitch. We can take him.

MITCH: Ah, shut up, will you?

CASEY: Ooh...

MITCH: What is it?

CASEY: You're missing some teeth.

MITCH: Where? It's my gold tooth. My gold tooth. I'll kill him. I'll kill him! (Casey and Mitch get up and go up the stairs) You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cajones and boil them in motor oil!

(CUT TO BEDROOM; LUKE DIALS 911)

OPERATOR: 911 emergency.

LUKE: (in a disguised voice) Hello, my house is being robbed. My address is 656 Lincoln Boulevard. My name is Kania.

(CUT TO THE HALLWAY UPSTAIRS; LUKE CRAWLS UNDER THE ROPE)

MITCH: Watch it. You never know what's up there. (Luke jumps up) There he is! (Luke flips over the rope landing on his back; Casey jumps over the rope, leaps, and grabs the bottom of Luke's leg)

CASEY: Ah! I got you! I got him, Mitch. I got him! (Luke spots the tarantula; Luke attempts to reach for the tarantula) Mitch, get up. Give me a hand! I got him! Mitch, help me. Get up! (Luke finally gets the tarantula) I got him. (Luke places the tarantula on Casey's face; Casey screams in fear as Luke runs up the stairs; Casey catches the tarantula off his face and tosses it on Mitch's abdominal area)

(CUT TO LUKE ON THE 3RD FLOOR GRABBING ONTO AN METAL BAR THAT'S HOOKED ONTO A ROPE)

(CUT TO THE SECOND FLOOR, WHERE MITCH AND CASEY ARE)

MITCH: What are you doing, Casey?

CASEY: Mitch, don't move.

MITCH: Casey?

CASEY: Don't... move.

MITCH: Casey, what are you doing? (Casey raises his crowbar) Casey? (Casey hits Mitch in the chest, and misses the tarantula; Mitch screams in agony)

CASEY: Did I get him? (The tarantula crawls away) Did I get him?! Where is it? (Casey checks his face) Where is it?

MITCH: Never mind that. Here! How do you like it, huh? (Mitch hits Casey on the side 3 times) You jerk! Get that kid, before I... Get that kid! (Casey and Mitch go upstairs)

(CUT TO LUKE GLIDING DOWN THE ROPE ALL THE WAY TO THE TREEHOUSE, CRASHING INTO THE BACK WALL; CASEY AND MITCH ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE NOW)

MITCH: Where'd he go?

CASEY: Maybe he committed suicide. BURN!

LUKE: Down here, you big horse's ass! Come and get me before I call the police!

CASEY: Let's get him!

MITCH: Wait, wait. Just what he wants us to do: is go back downstairs through his fun house so we get all tore up.

CASEY: He's gonna call the cops!

MITCH: He's not calling the c- from a tree house?! Come on. (Mitch wraps a white handkerchief around his hand as he comes out of the window)

CASEY: Out the window?

MITCH: Yeah.

CASEY: I'm not going out the window.

MITCH: Why, are you scared, Casey? Are you afraid? Come on, get out here. (Casey comes out of the window but keeps looking down) Come on. Come on, move your ass! Come on. Keep going.

CASEY: Let's go back, Mitch.

MITCH: Shut it, Casey. (Luke comes back with hedge sheers; he places them on both sides of the rope as if he's going to cut it)

LUKE: Hey, guys? Check this out.

MITCH: Go back. Go back. (They start going back; Luke cuts the rope; Mitch and Casey swing from the rope into the brick wall of the Kelso house, landing on the snow)

(CUT TO LUKE CLIMBING DOWN THE LADDER OF THE TREEHOUSE, RUNNING AWAY)

MITCH: There he is! You're letting him get away... (Luke runs for the Kania house; he stops while Mitch and Casey chase him)

CASEY: There he is!

LUKE: Hey, I'm calling the cops!

MITCH: Wait, wait! He wants us to follow him. I got a better idea. Come on. (Casey and Mitch take another route)

(CUT TO LUKE ENTERING THE KANIA HOUSE; HE ENTERS VIA THE BASEMENT DOOR, LUKE WALKS THROUGH A FLOODED BASEMENT; LUKE RUNS UP THE STAIRS AND OPENS THE DOOR; MITCH AND CASEY ARE STADNING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM)

MITCH: Hiya, pal. We outsmarted you this time. (Mitch snatches Luke) Get over here! (Casey slams the doors; Casey and Mitch hang him by the sweater onto a coat hanger)

CASEY: What are you gonna do to him, Mitch?

MITCH: We'll do exactly what he did to us. We're going to burn his head with a blowtorch.

CASEY: And we're going to smash his face with an iron. (Enter Old Man White with a shovel)

MITCH: I'd like to slap him in the face with a paint can, maybe.

CASEY: And shove a nail through his foot!

MITCH: The first thing I'm gonna do is bite off every one of these little fingers, one at a time. (Old Man White hits Casey in the back of the head with the shovel; Mitch turns around; Old Man White hits Mitch with the shovel)

OLD MAN WHITE: Come on. Let's get you home. (Old Man White takes Luke off the coat hanger and carries him home)

(CUT TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE KANIA HOUSE; POLICE CARS ARRIVE THE SCENE)

LUKE: (from his window at the Kelso House) Wow! This is great. (Officers have Mitch and Casey in cuffs as they walk out the the front of the house)

OFFICER #1: Nice move: always leaving the water running? Now we know each and every house that you've hit. (Mitch looks at Casey, shaking his head)

OFFICER #2: Hey, you know, we've been looking for you guys for a long time.

CASEY: Yeah. Well, remember, we're the "Wet Bandits." "Wet Bandits:" that's W-E-T-

MITCH: Shut up! (Mitch kicks Casey) Shut up! (Casey gets in the police car)

OFFICER #1: Hey, come on. Come on. (Officer attempts to put Mitch in the back of police car)

MITCH: Hands off the head, pal!

OFFICER #1: Come on. (Officer #1 gets Mitch in the car; police drive off; Mitch sees Luke from the back of the police car; Luke waves to him)

(CUT TO LUKE PUTTING COOKIES AND MILK OUT FOR SANTA; HE PUTS THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON TIDYING UP THE ROOM)

(CUT TO THE KENOSHA KICKERS' TRUCK)

LAURIE: I'm a bad parent. I'm a bad parent.

GUS: You're not. You know, You're beating yourself up there, you know. This happens. These things happen, you know. Gee, you want to talk about bad parents? Look at us. We're on the road 48, 49 weeks a year. We hardly see our families. You know, Joe, over there. Gosh, you know, he forgets his kids' names half the time. Ziggy over there, he's never even met his kid. Eddy: let's just hope none of them write a book about him.

LAURIE: Tell me, have you gone on vacation and left your child home?

GUS: No. But I did leave one at a funeral parlor once. Yeah, it was terrible, too. I was all distraught and everything. The wife and I, we left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor all day. All day. You know, we went back at night, when we came to our senses, there he was. Apparently, he was there all day with a corpse. Now, he was okay. You know, after 6, 7 weeks. He came around and started talking again. But he's okay. They get over it. Kids are resilient like that.

LAURIE: Maybe we shouldn't talk about this.

GUS: You brought it up. I was just trying to cheer you up.

LAURIE: I'm sorry I did.

(CUT TO THE KELSO HOUSE; IT'S SNOWING OUTSIDE; LUKE WAKES UP)

LUKE: Mom? Mom? Mom? (Luke doesn't find anyone; Luke looks outside and doesn't find anyone and closes the door; seconds later, the truck pulls up to the Kelso House)

(CUT TO LUKE IN THE BEDROOM UPSTAIRS; LUKE LOOKS AT THE FAMILY PORTRAIT; LAURIE WALKS IN)

LAURIE: Luke? Luke! (Luke places down the portrait and starts walking downstairs; Laurie realizes what Luke did around the house; Luke turns around and sees his mom)

LUKE: Mom?

LAURIE: Merry Christmas, sweetheart. Oh, Luke, I'm so sorry. (Luke smiles and runs to her; Luke and Laurie hug)

LUKE: Where's everybody else?

LAURIE: Oh, baby, they couldn't wanted to so much... (Enter Luke's extended family)

CALEB: I didn't fall asleep in the back and drool all over you, did I?

JAMIE: You do drool!

CALEB: Shut up!

KELSO: Luke, my boy. How are you? (Kelso picks up Luke) You're all right. I love you. You okay?

CALEB: Hey, Lu. It's pretty cool that you didn't burn the place down.

LUKE: Thanks, Caleb. (Caleb and Luke shake hands)

LAURIE: Wait a minute. How did you guys get home?

KELSO: Oh, we took the morning flight, remember? The one you didn't want to wait for.

LAURIE: Oh, no. Oh! Thank you, honey.

KELSO: Merry Christmas.

LAURIE: Merry Christmas. Someone has to find an open store. We don't even have milk here.

LUKE: I went shopping yesterday. (Long pause)

AUSTIN: You, shopping?

LUKE: I got some milk, eggs, and fabric softener.

LAURIE: What?

KELSO: No kidding. What a funny guy. What else did you do while we were away?

LUKE: Just hung around. (Everyone laughs)

(Kelso and Laurie laugh, then smile lovingly at each other)

LAURIE: You guys, bring your stuff upstairs.

AUSTIN: He went shopping? He doesn't know how to tie his shoe. He's going shopping? (Donna glares at her oldest kid. Exit everyone except Luke, as he walks to the window; Kelso finds Mitch's gold tooth)

KELSO: Honey, what's this?

(CUT TO LUKE OPENING THE DRAPES TO FIND OLD MAN WHITE UNITED WITH HIS FAMILY; OLD MAN WHITE HUGS HIS GRANDDAUGHTER; OLD MAN WHITE WAVES TO LUKE; KEVIN WAVES TO OLD MAN WHITE; OLD MAN WHITE'S FAMILY WALKS AWAY)

CALEB: Luke! What did you do to my room? (Luke gasps and runs away from the window)

END.

Authors Note: Finshed! Review please, I'd love to hear all your opinions on the story!


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